Cone of Silence

Or:  “What happens in Vegas better goddamn well stay in Vegas!!!”
 
(After reading this a few times, I have come to realize that I am giving away a lot of Boy Club secrets with this one. It’s all pretty much from the male perspective, so I hope no one squeals on me!)

With an impending get away to Sin City in approx 1 day, I thought I
would relate some of my thoughts and perhaps experiences in one of my most favorite towns on the face of the earth.
  

Now in my opinion, there are 2 types of Vegas trips:
 
1) There is the ‘Couples and/or Friends’  Trip:
 
Where someone goes with a significant other and/or friends. Friends who may dime them out at the drop of a hat. In this scenario, everything I say below is null and void. You have to be good. So just enjoy yourself while you take in the craziness around you. All the while of course, you are secretly planning your next get away without any S/O or with your best buddy/girlfriend who won’t be there to derail your swerve.
 
2) The ‘Cone of Silence’  Trip:

 This is the one that applies to this little rambling of mine. The so-called: “Get Away or Boys/Girls Weekend out or Bachelor/Bachelorette Party or Bday in Vegas” or whatever it is you need to call it. No need to explain to me, I know how it goes. So here it is:
 

A few of my steadfast and time-tested Do’s and Don’ts required for any successful Vegas Trip:

1) Lie. About everything. Period. Corroborate with your friend(s), don’t hesitate and just f’n lie.

2) Absolutely under NO FUCKING circumstances, will ANYONE in your party take pictures. Pictures can only lead to bad, bad things. Theyare proof, they are evidence.
 
Just say no. 
 
This goes quadruple for video.

 Yeah I know phone cams are cool and all and some of us can even take  short videos with them, but for fucks sake,  just don’t do it. I know.

See, there may or may not have been a video shot during a past trip of mine, starring me, that I had to pay my buddy dearly to delete.
 
Son of a bitch stuck his phone around the door, I had no idea. Fortunately all you could see of me was from about half way down my back, my white ass pumping and a girls legs up in the air around me, bouncing to my fairly vigorous and hard thrusting.
 
On the drive home he goes, “Hey, you wanna see something?” and hands me his phone.
 
After getting over the shock of seeing it, I have to say I was doing a pretty damn good
job there!

Anyway, that one cost me, the Fucker. Come to think of it I still owe  him some payback for that…. hmmmmmm….

3) Don’t have a ‘Plan’, just go with the flow, be flexible.
 
Plans always fall apart after the first couple drinks anyway, so fuck it. If you are in a group of 4 or more people, it can majorly suck sometimes because someone is always worried that you all aren’t where you are supposed to be or doing what they think you should be doing.

Dude, chill out, have a couple shots of Jaegy and stop badgering me about how we need to go to this club and not that club and how late we already are! (Why did we bring this douche-bag along anyway?)
 
This holds especially true if you happen to get hooked up with a Group of Girls of 4 or more. I will cover this under Group Dynamics.
 
4) If you or someone in your party has a S/O back at home, designate a specific time to call and ‘check in’ and tell them all that mushy stuff. Preferably when the rest of us are asleep so we don’t have to listen to that shit.
 
And for GODS sake, Do NOT call at 2am when you are fucking plastered to tell them ‘how much you miss them and wish they were there with you” while ‘Diamond’ the stripper is grinding herself all over you in the VIP room. WTF!!! Otherwise, all incoming calls past 8pm go right to Voicemail. “Sorry Honey, the reception must have been bad.”
 
5) Group Dynamics.
 
Ah this is a good one. Actually deserves several chapters to itself. So in ourexperiences my buddy and I have come to some fairly consistent conclusions about Groups in Vegas. Now there can be all sorts of Groups you run into.
 
But really the ones that you have to be wary of are the following: The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Group… The ‘Bday in Vegas’ group… The Large Girls Weekend in Vegas Group. Really any Group of Girls (or guys, though I can’t confirm) that number 4 or more. These groups are usually highly (or attempted to be) organized, with a specific agenda going on.
 
These groups tend to have the following personalities in them that contribute to unmitigated chaos and frustration for anyone trying to even talk to one of the Girls in the Group:
 
Mother Hen: This is the girl who has decided to take upon herself the job of making sure all of her friends are ‘OK’  and in doing so, spoiling most of the fun going on. Usually fussing about the Drunk Girls of the group and constantly on her Cell trying to locate one of the girls who is missing (Most likely making out somewhere). Making a scene about how she is missing and they must all immediatelystop what theyare doing to findher. Thus leaving the boys who had been making the moves on the rest of the Girls behind.
 
Cock Block: Often times the Mother Hen becomes this, however, other girls can take up this role. Usually when a Group is out somewhere say, at a club and everyone but this particular girl is having fun. She tends to group the Girls up and hustle them someplace else where she thinks she can have fun. It’s a selfish act, purely because no guy worthy of her has paid her attention yet or more than likely, she hasn’t  even found any in the place that she thinks IS worthy of her. So she throws a huffy fit, acts like a spoiled little bitch and vocally tells everyone how she wants to go somewhere else: ‘That is so much cooler than this place and where there are at least some hot guys. This place sucks.”  Of course, she makes a big production of gathering everyone up and getting out of there which usually means the boys there who had been having some success with the rest of the Girls get left behind. The reason being is becauseit is infinitely easier for girls to bounce from club to club in Vegas than the guys. Bouncers always let the Groups of girls in and usually with no Cover.

 Crazy Girl: This is the loud one. I mean really LOUD one. The crazy one. The chaotic one. The hot one who is a mess after 3 drinks. She is the one that usually ends up missing, making out with random dudes somewhere in the club, thus setting  Mother Hen into her frenzy of motion and spoiling a lot of other peoples fun and games.
 
Drunk Girls: The ones having fun, drinking and enjoying the game, the troopers of the Group. But they tend to drink too much and instead of Crazy Girl, they just fall over. Thus Mother Hen has to get the rest of the Group to take Drunk Girl back to the room to make sure she is OK, where inevitably the rest of the girls begin crashing out. Party over.
 
Now of course, there are normal girls in the Groups but with the above mentioned personalities, the normal girls get drowned out in the pure Chaos that is a Group. My buddy and I normally just stay way the hell away fromthese Groups because usually it ends up in a lot of work going to waste! Something ALWAYS happens and poof, the group is mysteriously gone andyou are left with a big-ass bar tab! 
 
5 A) The Good Group. This is the Group that is much more suitable to everyone having a good time. It’s a group of girls of  2 or 3. Usually this is just a couple friends who needed to get away for the weekend. Nothing planned, no need to be anywhere at a specific time. Just out to enjoy themselves. We like these Groups!!! 
 
6) And of course, the oldie but goodie: “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” Do not deviate from this. You will get screwed. And not in the good way. And the cell number you got from the hottie you boinked last night? It doesn’t work after Sunday. You will be ignored. Trust me. Everything truly stays in Vegas. She probably woke up and realized: “Holy shit what did I do that for?” and made the Walk of Shame post-haste.
 

There is a ton more, but if you keep these simple axioms in mind, then Vegas is indeed… Sin City!!

Maybe next time I’ll tell the story of my best trip ever to Vegas…